5 Tips For Helping Children Cope With Divorce

The divorce rate in the U.S. currently hovers between 40% and 60% of all marriages – and the majority of those marriages produced children. If you and a spouse are contemplating or going through a divorce and have children, you need to make helping your children cope with the situation a priority.

Children can suffer multiple effects from a divorce. Young children may fear that no one will take care of them or not understand what is occurring at all. Children in school may act out inappropriately, suffer academically, or change their behavior in negative ways, becoming withdrawn, angry or sad.

All children may blame themselves for a divorce, have strong feelings about the breakup of their family, worry about the future, or blame their parents.

Your behavior and that of your spouse, however, can greatly lessen negative effects on your children. You need to make sure that your children understand what is occurring. Most importantly, you need to stress that their well-being and security is a top priority for both you and your spouse.

Here are the top 5 tips for helping children cope with divorce.

1. Communicate the situation clearly

Don’t leave it up to the children to figure out that you are divorcing. Don’t leave it up to them to figure out what that means for them, either.

Make it a point to sit down with your children and communicate the fact of your divorce. Remember that one of the most common effects of any divorce is the tendency of children to blame themselves for it, or at least wonder if they are to blame. Set that at rest. Directly state that the children are not to blame. Give a short, age-appropriate reason for the divorce, which they can understand.

It’s equally important to not blame your spouse. Hearing one spouse blame another increases children’s stress and anxiety. Ideally, both spouses will meet with the children together and give a neutral reason.

Communicate clearly that you will make their needs for a stable and comfortable life a top priority during the process. If facts like where you will live and where they will go to school may change, tell them you will let them know as soon as possible and that you will take their wishes into account (if it is possible for you to do so).

2. Make the children’s needs a top priority

You not only have to communicate with your children that their needs are a top priority, you have to actually make their needs top-of-the-list. You’ll need to show commitment and flexibility to ensure that custody arrangements, educational arrangements, and more always have their best interests at heart.

Take the time to explain the arrangements that affect them directly. If, for example, you and they will live in a different place or they will attend a different school, tell them well in advance and communicate the reasons.

If changes are likely to impact them, point out any potential positives. Children may, for example, look upon changes in the schools they attend (and thus their friendship groups and plans) very negatively. Put effort into surveying the changes from their point of view and consider any potential positives they may not see, such as new possibilities for extracurricular activities or more flexibility. Communicate those positive elements.

3. Work constructively with your spouse

As much as possible, handle the divorce constructively with your spouse. “Constructively” means several things. First, even if you believe your spouse is to blame, don’t put your children in the middle. Again, don’t blame your spouse in front of the children.

Second, communicate directly with your spouse; don’t make the children the communicators between you. Even if it seems convenient to you to tell the children information to pass on to a spouse they will see shortly, doing so places an unfair burden on children.

Third, don’t make the children your confidants to talk about any negative fallout you’re feeling from the divorce. If you feel you need to talk about these issues, that’s perfectly understandable. But talk to older family, friends, or professional counselors rather than your children.

Fourth, even in a situation where spousal shortcomings may seem obvious, such as ongoing physical abuse, remember that your spouse is their parent. Make it as easy as possible for them to have an ongoing child/parent relationship. Honor custody and other arrangements that allow your spouse to spend time with your children and have a role in their lives.

4. Prepare to deal with children’s emotions

Children often react emotionally to divorce. They may feel sadness, anger, depression, anxiety, stress, even guilt – a whole host of emotions. In addition, of course, they may act out by withdrawing from you, friends and family, or favorite activities such as sports. They may change social groups or start staying out late. They may show aggression when they didn’t before.

Children may need help identifying their emotions. Withdrawal, for example, could indicate sadness or depression. Talk openly about emotions they may feel.

Make every effort to help them deal with these emotions. Validate that it’s okay to have the emotions they have.

If possible, strategize ways to help them deal with the emotions appropriately. Sports or other after-school activities can help them deal with divorce-related emotions such as anger or aggression, for example. Sad movies can help them deal with sadness. Favorite pets can help them feel stable and loved.

5. Seek help 

Just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to cope with divorce. Your children and you don’t have to go it alone.

Friends and family can play many roles during a divorce. Grandparents, for example, can offer continuing stability and love, as can uncles, aunts, cousins, and other family. Friends can be comforting, especially if they faced something similar in the past.

Let your children’s teachers, school administrators, and coaches know that you are going through a divorce. They can offer support and may know of valuable resources for both children and parents experiencing divorce.

If necessary, reach out for professional help as well. Professional therapists and counselors can provide valuable assistance during this period, allowing both you and your children to talk out their emotions and strategize solutions for challenges.

Counselors and therapists can also offer a wealth of resources, such as self-help groups and suggestions for ongoing strategies.

If you need more information, contact a qualified family law attorney.

 

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